Monday, April 18, 2005

Family Portrait

In our family portrait we look pretty happy, We look pretty normal, let's go back to that. In our family portrait we look pretty happy, Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally.

It's early Friday night, shul just finished and the seven of us are sitting by the nicely laid shabbos table. Fresh golden challos, tasty gefilte fish and the silver 12 branched candlestick are rested on the perfectly white tablecloth. Daddy dressed in full Shabbos garb, Mummy's white tichel covering her light blond hair. Together we all sing Sholom Aleichem, welcoming the Shabbos angels to our lovely home. Daddy makes kiddush, we wash our hands and let the meal start.

With the meal on it's way, so too start the... Yes, those feared for fights. Daddy screaming, and Mummy answering back. The f-word and the b-words flying freely around. Arguing about this, and arguing about that. This is wrong, that is wrong. Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound, Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down, I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you said. This is all your fault, and that is yours. Why is this like this, and why is that like that. Yelling, screaming and fighting. Fighting about the most silly and unimportant things. Ok, maybe not that small, but certainly not worth the fights, neither the tears... Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound, Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around. My mama she loves you, no matter what she says its true, I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you, too.

Insulting in-laws, and angry at neighbours. Daddy yells, Mummy answers angrily back. The kids just add water to the burning oil, by sticking up for him and then for her. By answering chutspedik back, they just worsen the pain. Adding salt to the open wounds. Why can't they just sit still and be silent? Why can't they just be quiet and ignore? "Yes, you are right. I understand." are alien to their soft lips... On the other hand, what can one expect from 7 to 15 year olds? Young innocent kids; I shouldn't criticise. You fight about money, bout me and my brother, And this I come home to, this is my shelter. It ain’t easy growin up in World War III, Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see.

Between the fights, my dossier keeps coming up. They remind me little Yingele's dark history. His mistakes, his blunders and the trouble he had caused. How much he wasted, how bad he had become. The past seven years flash through their eyes. Maybe they are all right after all... Maybe I am the one to be blamed. Maybe it is all my fault, I ruined this family. Our house used to be the most loving, calm home. It changed. It changed when I started mucking up in high school... Since then, it has never been the same. Am I the one who made my father into that person? Am I the one who put my parents through all the suffering? Am I the one guilty for the pain, for the tears? I can't take the pain, I can't take the guilt... I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away. Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have no choice, no way.

Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything. Can we work it out? Can we be a family? I promise I’ll be better. I’ll be so much better, I’ll do everything right. I’ll be your little boy forever, I promise I'll change.


  • Sounds like EastEnders. Don't worry yingel, it's the same in most houses.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, April 18, 2005 11:20:00 AM  

  • yingelle this is such an emesdika post, and yes most family have there moments the image of the golden chicken soup and fluffy kenidelach and the sparkling chrystle is for the story books, Yingelle dont blame ur self the problems where always there dont be under any illusion that its all ur fault, before i went to Yeshiva i thought my mom never shouted, when i returned i thought shed been replaced by a monster when u live some thing day in day out you dont really realize the situation untill u walk away and walk back in. Yingelle one last comment you mentioned in ur snitch post about wearing red pants??? i hope u where jking , i would have called ur brother in law also RED PANTS>>>>. big nonon FASHION SCENSE MAN!! u think your ali g?? keep cool and keep posting these gr posts

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, April 18, 2005 11:37:00 AM  

  • yingele, i have a funny feeling that its the other way round. the shouting etc caused you to become the "yingele". don't blame yourself for your parents' fights. parents who are happy to throw the f and b work freely in front of young kids are not the ones who have been driven to do so by a "yingele". although i don't agree with most things you say (sorry!), i still don't think that there problems have much to do with you (i suppose i'm disagreeing with you again!).

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, April 18, 2005 1:46:00 PM  

  • in the previous post "work" should read "word" and "there" should read "their"

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, April 18, 2005 1:47:00 PM  

  • your parents need serious counselling sessions. There is no shame in it. People with normal marriages do it all the time to enrich and perfect their union. At least get someone they trust to convince them to speak to a rav they trust.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Monday, April 18, 2005 6:05:00 PM  

  • Try and learn what not to do in your future ho me.

    By Blogger kishmech, at Monday, April 18, 2005 6:06:00 PM  

  • Yingele,
    Seems like you got enough on your own plate to deal with.
    No need to make your parent's faults your own as well.

    By Blogger Hoezentragerin, at Monday, April 18, 2005 7:25:00 PM  

  • My eyes where pink after reading your blog, maybe just get hold of a 18 wheeler and tell them you are goin to California and then yingele we can Get The Party Started (sorry could not resist it!!!)

    Be strong yingele and hang in there. All our hearts are with you.

    By Blogger LostSpirit, at Monday, April 18, 2005 10:49:00 PM  

  • reading this was scarily familiar. f and b including. the curtain on the act falls and the real world starts its act.
    after thinking through the blame game for several yrs, i figured out that its not my fault, cuz i dont and shouldnt have the responsibilty of making the family work. now ive just got this wall, that, while i hate it, lets most things wash over me as i try to help the other kids figure everything out.

    By Blogger for now its just m., at Monday, April 18, 2005 10:55:00 PM  

  • u gotta be kiddin' me it cant be that bad!!!but dont worry it'll all clear up in the end.
    B strong!!

    By Blogger b. boy, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:39:00 AM  


    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 2:41:00 AM  

  • Pink Family Portait. Yingele, great post!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:01:00 PM  

  • Ying,

    Fab song to use from an excellent album. (LS, terrible jokes!).

    Don't blame yourself. I don't know what roel you play in the family dynamics, and there is obviously a lot of baggage flying around. I suggest you emulate Ahron Hakohen, be the peacemaker, try and calm people down, bring a bit of sholom bayis, be the mature one. It would be good for you and for everyone else if you do it right. A couple of tips: Change the subject during an argument and be forceful enough that your subject change gets through. Similarly ditract someone when they are fuming or swearing - "Dad, pass me the chicken please". Simple non-threatening things. "Mum, Dad's just a bit annoyed coz shul dragged on today, the Chazzan was awful, let's cut him some slack". I'm sure other commenters have many more tips.

    Good luck.


    By Blogger The Rabbi's Kid, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 12:33:00 PM  

  • Anon1 I like thinking to myself that it's the same in many homes, but is it indeed?

    Anon2 Ali G? Baron Sasha Cohen is buzy gettin' ready for passova!

    Anon3 When you think I totally missed the boat, gimme a mail. I'm often wrong, so just put me straight, okay?
    I'm not sure I can blame them for me being the yingele... Afterall, I and I alone can be responsible for my actions, no?

    Next Anon "Mummy, go get some help!" doesn't sound too convincing...

    Kissme That's what us youngsters always say, but at the end of the day we mwill make the same mistakes our parents did... Scary.

    By Blogger yingele, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 9:38:00 PM  

  • Anonapster Thanks for the link!

    Thank you Hoezen, Lost Spirit, TRK and the rest for all your kind words. LS, LOL!

    By Blogger yingele, at Tuesday, April 19, 2005 10:41:00 PM  

  • I know I find myself making the same mistakes... but I'm so conscious of it, I always apologise quickly. It becomes ingrained in you, and if you share the worry with a significant other, they will help you and remind you. After all nobody wants to marry their inlaws!!

    By Blogger kishmech, at Wednesday, April 20, 2005 1:42:00 PM  

  • Man that sounds familiar but cut the f and b words just because they don't do that stuff in our house. Really honestly, I could tell you dont blame urself but I do the same thing. When I was 10 I used 2 daven 4 my dad 2 yell at me not my mom. I really did get my wish, (but personally, you can yell at me from 2day till next year, it wouldnt really bother me all THAT much!!) so it calmed down a bit. If you wanna help ur parents the only thing you can do is daven. If you wanna help urself, dont talk 2 them whilst they'r arguing just let them do it. People need to sort things out themselves sometimes, and trying to involve urself can make it worse. (Bad experience :S) About ur siblings. The thing I learned with them is that 'kids can be cruel' but they 'still understand'. Just talk 2 them one day. Get together... 'kids familly meeting' and explain to them. Dont argue about it just tell them what u think, and leave them to do their own thinking. It will get better. It always does. When you get to the bottom of the pit it can only go up. On the other-hand, when ur at the top u can always go down (so I kind-of like 2 stay in the middle.)
    Anyways. Gotta go do some MORE pesach cleaning so I'd better run!
    Hope everything works out well!
    Ps. U've really come through bro, keep up the good work!!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wednesday, April 20, 2005 6:47:00 PM  

  • Kissme, hopefully, soon, one day...

    Lil' helper, you are the best! Kit a lil' if possible, k?

    By Blogger yingele, at Wednesday, April 20, 2005 9:03:00 PM  

  • Of course! And whenever ur in the US or Canada u betta let me know n come and visit!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Thursday, April 21, 2005 1:00:00 PM  

  • Thanks lil' helper, mwha.

    By Blogger yingele, at Thursday, April 21, 2005 3:09:00 PM  

  • I feel for you... Thats one of my favorite songs, because I identify with it so much...

    By Blogger Behind A Door, at Thursday, May 19, 2005 11:06:00 AM  

  • Behind - Is it in your family the same?

    By Blogger yingele, at Thursday, May 19, 2005 12:51:00 PM  

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